My Punishment
by DobbyRocksSocks
Summary: I didn't betray James and Lily the way everyone thinks I did, but I did betray my best friend. This is my punishment.


**Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise. **

**A/N - Hey :) A first time for this pairing for me, but I like it I think. This is kinda angsty, maybe I'll try a happy one next time :) Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. **

**Written for -**

** The Stretch Your Boundaries Competition - Prompts used - Run/Fantasy/Darkness **

**The Animal Competition - Cougar **

**The Disney Character Competition - Thomas O Malley **

**The Birthday Competition - May - Character - Lily Evans**

**The Wand Wood Competition - Ash - A Gryffindor **

**Word Count Without A/N - 817 **

**My Punishment **

It was a mistake the first time it happened. We both agreed never to do it again, never to even think about it again, and certainly never to tell James. If it had stayed that way, as it should have, we both would have been fine, everything would have gone back to normal. I wish I, both of us, had been stronger. I wish we both could have said no, could have found another way to deal with the loneliness that seeped into us.

Marlene had just... Marlene was gone, and James was always working, and, Merlin, _he asked_ me to keep Lily company. James _asked_ me, begged me, not to leave her on her own, not to let her get lonely while he was away with the Aurors. How could I say no? How could I tell my best friend that I wouldn't keep an eye on his wife.

Of course, it wasn't just an eye I was keeping on her.

If things had been different, if we had grown up at a different time, none of it would have happened. Lily and James would have been happy with each other, and I would have been settled and happy with Marlene, and everything would have been _fine._ Great even. But we didn't and it wasn't, and we made such a mess of things.

I don't know how it happened. We were sitting on the sofa, a glass of wine each, chatting about who knows what, and then we were kissing, and clothes were being thrown and we were having sex. It was passionate, and desperate, and we both knew that we wanted to be doing it with someone else, but it helped. It stopped us feeling lonely. It stopped us from feeling abandoned.

The second, and oh hell, the third, fourth, fifth and tenth time, we knew what we were doing. We knew what would happen if we were caught, and we knew how much we would hurt James if he ever discovered the truth. That was the last thing I wanted, and I know Lily never wanted to hurt him either. She did love him, she really did, and he was my brother in all but blood. We betrayed him.

I remember every single second of the day they told me. Lily looked nervous when I arrived, and James was practically bouncing in his seat. For one heart stopping second, the look on her face made me think the worst, it made me think he knew. Logic, ever the savior, told me not to be stupid. Would James really look so happy and excited if he had just found out his wife was having it off with his best friend?

"Lily's pregnant," he shouted at me, pulling me into a hug. It took a moment for the words to sink in. Lily. A Baby. Mine?

If I took too long to look excited for my friends, if my voice sounded strained when I offered my congratulations, James didn't mention it. He probably didn't notice, so consumed as he was by the news of his impending fatherhood.

The months passed by achingly slow. We didn't sleep together again after that of course, James was home more, and really, I couldn't have even had I wanted to and I'm fairly sure Lily felt the same. I asked her once, in a rare moment we got alone, if the baby was mine. She didn't know, and the tears in her eyes stopped me from questioning further.

The darkness was closing in, and the baby, no matter mine or James, was the one bright spot for all of us.

Things almost returned to normal during those months. We were all just friends, fighting a war, finding comfort in each other. In a strictly platonic fashion.

The day arrived, and I waited outside the room for James to come and tell me that _his_ son was born, that he was perfect, that I should come in and see him. I wanted to run. I wanted to flee away, and never look back. I didn't. I walked into that room, and I looked at that little boy, that little boy that could have been mine but was so obviously James', and I cried. I cried with relief that things were the way they should be. I cried for the fantasy of the little boy being mine. I cried for myself, selfish I know, still alone in a world that held nothing but fear and loneliness.

I sit now, alone in my cell, a prisoner both in reality and in my own mind. I didn't betray James and Lily the way they say I did, but I did betray my best friend, and I know this is my punishment. I may be innocent of the charge that has put me behind these bars, but I deserve to be here. Alone.


End file.
